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Antony Max Hernandez: The saga continues. The man who once scissor-kicked Angela Lansbury. The man who one date-raped Lucy Lawless. The man who uses a live rattlesnake as a condom. The man who craps out an average of 40 cents of spare change with every bowel movement. The man who did the makeup effects for the "Planet of the Apes" series of movies. The man who once had sex with a cigarette machine. The man who uses the shroud of turin as a golf towel. The man who drives a 1987 BMW 325e covered in human skulls. The man who organized the union between UNICEF and Heckler and Koch. The man who went public with his buttocks and made $7 million on his first day of trading. The man who showers in shrimp scampi. The man who has an ingrown toenail at the end of his penis. The man who killed Wolfman Jack with a harpoon gun. The man who drove Syd Barrett Insane. The man who drove Princess Diana and Dod Fayed off the road. The man who coined the term "Freedom Fries". The man who is College Football BCS ranked 7th and FIFA ranked 19th. The man who named Blink-182 (They DID NOT want to be called that). The man who popped Anthy's cherry and taught her how to give her brother head. The man who convinced Tobey McGuire at gunpoint to do "Spiderman". The man who uses Palestinian suicide bombers to loosen his impacted stools. The man who once bench-pressed a semi truck full of vintage Generra Hypercolor T-Shirts. The man who writes 200-page love letters every week to the "Bijou" character in the "Hamtaro" anime show. The man that ran the phones at the suicide hotline the night Kurt Cobain called. The man who wrote all of Mohammed Saeed al-Sahaf's speeches. The man who called G.G. Allin a "Fucking pussy" right to his face and that punk dickhead did nothing about it. The man who fries his own donuts in the oil of Buddha's fruit. The man who got Dick Cheney his gig at Halliburton. The man that once stole dead fetuses from an abortion clinic dumpster to use for "artistic" purposes*. The man who eats guinea pigs like tic-tacs. The man that suggested the PAX network to show porn. The man who gouged out Moshe Dayan's eye, which he keeps as a paperweight on his desk. The man that set up Henry Rollins with Kennedy, thus mutually ending both of their careers. The man that invented the cure for AIDS, only to drink a glass of pure LSD the morning after and forget all about it after a 8 month long acid trip. The man who went triple-platinum with an album composed merely of a recording of his bowel movements and the screams of abused children. The man who Christopher Walken calls at 3AM every Thursday morning for acting tips. The man who brushes his teeth with a chimney sweep. The man that deflowered that girl "Mary" from that film "Better Luck Tomorrow"*. The man who once crushed an eightball into dust with the palm of his hand. The man who told Joss Whedon to kill off Spike. The man who wipes his ass with a live Elk. The man that taught Beat Takeshi everything he knows. The man who freebases Campbell's soup. The man whose life was the inspirations for the films "The Stuff", "Message From Space" and "Disco Godfather". And, if you place a phonograph needle to his right nipple, you can hear the Beach Boy's "Pet sounds", and on his right nipple, the Pixie's "Doolittle".

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